Happy 2013

The holidays are over and I haven't blogged in a while. A lot has happened that's for sure. It has been approximately 17 months since H and I have been in reconcilation. So 2013 for me and my goal is to drop the rope and let go and let God take control.

I have been cycling to much and it isn't good for me, my husband or our kids. I came to this conclusion today as you will see I was slipping into old habits. Had a bit of a trigger this morning (lol my own doing too!). I work at home a lot. I decided I needed to show my face at the office, I try to go in every week for a few days, well at least one! Any who . . . . As I was going through some of my files, I found things I stashed at work when H was in replay like his super secret password list which showed (that's how I confirmed it exisited and now had the number) his prepaid phone, secret bank account login information and others. I also found copies of his debit card that I made and his STD testing and confirmation letter that they were negative.

So what did this do to me . . . well it prompted me to go back and look at my Google calendar and relive August and September 2011. So what did I realize from this little trip back in history.

1. There is still pain there . . . grrr go freaking away already. It is less, but there is pain.

2. My H's replay was from December 2010 through August 26, 2011 (Start of MLC was December 2006). His replay seems shorter than most but when I look at June 2011 through August 2011 it was a daily whirlwind of chaos and was happening more rapidly than most I have seen. Specifically from mid July 2011 through August 25, 2011. This was six weeks of sheer torture for me as I must have sensed something was bubbling up with H because I went out on disability from work mid-July due to PTSD and severe anxiety. I know from piecing together these events that August 1-9 H was ramping up to sign a lease for an apartment for a year in which OW gave H $3200 to pay for rent and other things and actually furnished and stocked his entire apartment.

3.  August 9 H moved out. August 10 H spent the night at our house because of fight with OW. August 12 he was home for good. August 16 he went for STD testing and moved his stuff out of his apartment. August 25 he lost his job and was ready to move back in with OW or his apartment but didn't and remained home.

4.  September 9 was the first time he slipped and told me he loved me since the end of June 2011. Seriously dude, a few weeks prior you were moving out . . . the wacked out minds of a MLCer. It also clearly shows me he needed to tell me what he thought I needed to hear, he was testing me and in fact he was lactching onto me for dear life as he was afraid to be alone.

What's my conclusion with all this information is that when H was processing and fog was moving and lifting and OW was pressuring, he cycled super fast. He cycled so fast I don't think either of knew what hit us. So, I guess that's why we are still processing so much still.

This makes me want to talk to him, but I won't as he won't even remember any events and frankly I am just sick sick sick of remembering them. I guess a part of me wants to always remember and wants him always to remember so we never fall prey to that pain again.

Bottom line that H then was a sneak, cheat, liar, fake, mainpulative, self-serving, emotionally and physically abusive, he was everything that he is not now. I know he is sorry and remorseful I don't need to continually see it. I need to let go of the pain to move forward. I need to be able to revisit those times without pain. The pain is less, a lot less, but there is residual damage there.

Here's the kicker of the whole revisit and just totally explains 100% how wacked out he was. He had changed all his passwords to his new password that would represent his new life from his normal passwords which of course I knew. His new password was Happiness0801 which represented that he would be happy now starting August 1 because he would be starting his new life. LOL, 25 days later he had no job, no OW and was back home.

I know I never fully let go of the fixer/controller stuff, I didn't have the time to. So now I put one foot in front of the other. I even caught myself reminding H that it was his mother's birthday today. I won't mention it again. Old habits die hard. H is a big boy, he has his own calendar, he doesn't need a reminder.

After I have typed this all out, I don't feel that twisting knot in my chest, I feel better. I was shown these documents for a reason and had to revisit that time period for a reason. I was questioning why his depression/withdrawal stage has been soooooooooooooooooooo long, but now I know. So I put the documents back in the bottom of my desk to be forgotten again. Perhaps the next time I come across them, I won't even remember why I kept them (I doubt it, but there's always hope.)

2013 is going to be a great year of growth, I can just feel it. The road to healing is long, but it will be complete.

Hugs,

Sassy

He has finally found work!

Just Journaling: Wow haven't posted here lately . . . I guess that's good and progress forward. So where to begin . . . H is finally employed 7 months later . . . He was supposed to have started on the 16th of October, but the Hurricane Sandy impacted his start date since his training was to have been 4.5 hours away. He is now, ironically training in the same building in which I work for the next few weeks. The Lord works in mysterious ways. As many of you know I was very apprehensive about him being gone for so long. Funny is my daugher (D21) said "mom how did you manage to swing that change in his training?" I was a little perplexed (had nothing to do with the change) and then she told me that she too was worried for me as H and I have been together for the last 15 months. How do kids get so smart??!!! Seems H was not looking forward to the away time either. On the downside, I thought it would have done him good to spend some time alone thinking. We shall follow the Lord's path as he has been steering us in the right direction so far. Our families and friends in NJ have suffered greatly from no electricity to losing their home entirely . . .we continue to pray for them. My in-laws who are in their 70's have been without power for a long while and it is below freezing at night. They refused to let us come get them (they have no gas to travel) and have been staying during the day with their daughter, but at night in their cold home. Stubborn, but we keep offering. So for me . . how am I doing. I am doing well most of the time. I feel like I am ready to let go entirely of OW and move forward. H does not think about her and yet I still do. She could have been anyone, he has said this, and I believe it 100% now. That's we cannot base these medicating affairs on what do they have they I don't. They have far far less and are just as broken. They are full of manipulation and lies and the two of them feed off of each other to try to ease the chaos in their heads. It works for a awhile, but then just like any drug . . . it wears off. So I think of her a lot less, yet the last few days I have been awake in the middle of the night 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning and I am flooded with random thoughts of her, them, things he did . . . I want to sleep and let it go . . but sleep abates me. Very strange. I did mention to H that I wished I could forget so much of this as he has. I feel like an elephant in that I remember even the most small details. He wishes otherwise too . . .because he knows he triggers me. I understood when he said that because previously I would have thought he would have wanted to remember about her . . . this is not the case. I know I am progressing through this and I am hoping I am nearing the end, but who knows. It is not a race to the finish . . . it just is. This is a part of our story. I read a quote that said the couples that are meant to be together are the ones that survived and struggled through what should have torn them apart. I feel that way. D21 got her LSAT scores back and she was 7 points shy of what she needed to get into her top school. She was devastated and felt like a failure. I truly don't see her that way. This kid is so smart, but standardized test are tough for her. She will take the test again, but you hate seeing your kids so down. I told her to apply to her school anyway. 7 points is not that much and she has great interviewing skills, grades and a backstory of how she worked through college, paid $875 a month herself (not loans) to live on campus, survived and thrived during her parents relationship problems (no easy feat there), an uncle who graduated from that law school (should count for something), great connections and internships. I keep praying that the Lord will point her down the right path. She will succeed in whatever she chooses to do. D20 is doing well at school, but struggles with emotions when she comes home. I think her first true love relationship is taking a turn for the worst and she is outgrowing him . . . time will tell. It is hard to see your kids hurting at times. She had us pick her up late Friday night 11:45 p.m. from her boyfriends house after an argument. She cried in H's arms, it was heartbreaking. Her BF suffers from depression and is jealous of her being away from school while he struggles to find himself. S24 is doing well with staying away from exGF (at least we think so). He is doing well in school . . however, he still is irrational and takes his anger out on H and I at times. I actually got an apology the other day for his nastiness, but those are few an far between. I know he is depressed and angry . . . but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Heck his entire family has . . . but not him. I keep loving him from a far and casually mention therapy . . .etc. but he will have to decide on his own. I had a talk with H the other day after one of S24s outburst. I told H that I have gotten myself back into a hole of taking care of everyone but me. I won't do it anymore. I am important to me first than the others. I should no longer have to bear the stigma of a cheated upon wife/mother/daughter/sister . . . that happened to me not them. I am ready to move forward. I am sick of them (i.e. those associated with the above titles) keeping me stuck or should I say letting them keep me stuck. I am ready to move forward. So I know I rambled with this post and am pretty much all over the place, but as I was thinking I just typed. I am doing well, I am healing, I continue to grow and travel on my journey. No straight paths for me and that's ok. Hugs

Weddings, New Job, Shorter Days, Triggers All Around

Wow, time flies, I can't believe it is October already.  It is my one year anniversary of going back to work after several months off last year (July - September 2011) due to stress, anxiety, major depression brought on by my husband's Mid-Life Crisis.  A year certainly makes a difference.  So much has changed, which is a blessing, but it has been a lot of work.  Work has always had a negative connotation for me, but no longer.  The "effort i.e. work" put into our relationship has be rewarding 100 times over .  We have had good times and bad, but oh so many more good times than bad. 

Where am I today?  I am more confident in myself, although that broken little girl still peeks out at times, but that is okay, because I know her well and know how to put her away now.  I enjoy my work.  I actually enjoy people, even strangers, I don't feel uncomfortable in my skin any longer.  I can forgive and I can ask for forgiveness for my mistakes.  I know I can't do it all and it is okay, I am not a failure because of that.  I am more sensitive to my surroundings and others.  I can feel compassion and empathy, but do not feel the need to fix others, only offer support.  It no longer has to be my way of the highway (well okay, most of the time it doesn't have to be that way, I am not perfect! :)).  I have my sense of humor back. I enjoy life and the little things in it.  Most of all I love my husband more today than the day I married him.  I love him in a more full well rounded way, it is more mature.  It is hard to explain, it is just different.  It is more full bodied and robust if that makes sense.

Okay so if that is so true, is life perfect for me now . . . . well no and guess what that's okay, because what I have learned is that is life, it is never perfect but it is how much we make of it. 

On the home front, H has gotten a new job.  I am happy for him, because this will help him heal further.  It will help his self-esteem and he will be successful at it.  I know he is disappointed because it is not what he really wants, but it will be stable and their will be room for growth within a stable growing company.  Okay so for me, I am not necessarily nervous or untrusting, but I know this will bring about change.  Okay, so new me embraces change, but it is like riding a roller coaster and right now I feel like that point when your stomach drops out on the ride.  It is the only way I can describe it.  It is the unknown, H going back into the workforce outside of the home. Going back to a place where he allowed an affair to happen.  I am rational and smart enough to know that I have no control over him or his actions, but I am also a lot more aware.  I suppose this is one of those unconditional trust aspects that were stolen from me when he committed adultery with a co-worker.  I won't have unconditional trust in this aspect like I once did.  It is a shame, but it is the the fallout from the adultery.

So, this is my issue, I will have to deal with it and I will.  Guess the good Lord decided the best way for me to deal with it is throw me to the wolves and send H away for three weeks for on site training.  I have thought about it and instead of looking at the negatives, I am going to look at the positives.  What can I do for me during those three weeks?  What do I want to accomplish for myself.  I am going to look at it as "me time."  I am going to be a little selfish and do the things I want to do . . . . even if it is eating breakfast for dinner or something silly like that!  I get to watch any movie I want to, even the sappy romantic ones that make me cry and H just hates them.  No guns or bomb movies.  Most of all I am going to put faith in the Lord that this is the path he wants us on now.  I know I will miss my husband immensely, but I know seeing him when he gets home will so be rewarding.

Shorter days . . . . how I love the cooler weather that fall brings in, the crispness of the air, the smell and sound of leaves crinkling when you walk, I loath the shorter days.  I think I loath them because of less light seems depressing for me.  It makes me want to sleep and NOT exercise.  I guess it is natures way of making you want to slumber.  No slumbering for me this year.  Not sure what I will do to combat this feeling, but I know for a fact that I will need to step up the exercise and get myself outside more.  I want to dig deep into household projects and fix up the house to make it presentable the way I feel my H and want it to reflect us, our personalities, our family, our strength, but most of all a joint vision of us.  Goofy, perhaps, but that's how I see it.

Weddings . . . how is that a trigger you might want to know . . . well it is a reflection of a broken promise made over 25 years ago.  The forsaking all others, was broken and my H expressed his love and devotion to another woman.  He told another woman he would marry her.  How can something so deeply emotional and then broken be so sacred again??  Is it scared again?  Does my husband view our marriage in the same light that I do.  I am afraid to ask these questions or probe my husband because I am afraid of making him cycle and frankly I am afraid of his answer.

This past weekend H and I attended a wedding of his childhood friend and someone I have known for 29 years.  Normally this would be a joyous event, worthy of the huge party and celebration that we attended . . . . but . . . . and here's the but  . . . .

1.  This is the second wedding H and I have attended since we have stepped on the path for our journey of reconciliation. 

2.  This is also the second time we have gone to a wedding that represented the third marriage for at least one of the parties marrying.

3.  The wedding this weekend was a 48 year old marrying and 25 year old and his three daughters 18, 15, 12.

So what does this mean to me personally???  Well it just makes me question why people get married? Do we now as a society think that marriage is so disposable we can do it over and over and again in hopes that we may get it right.  Do you think you get a better version of  something without working on yourself?  I personally don't think you marry the wrong spouse, most of us just give up too easily.  Do we get married for the ring, the party, the honeymoon, what it can by you?  Heck you can get all those things without saying the vows, forsaking all others, for better or for worse . . . you get my point. What does being married mean to my husband?  While I have forgiven his adultery, does he see and recognize the impact of his sins on me and our children?  Is what we have still special and sacred?  How could a man that I trusted with my love profess the same things to me and to someone else.  He professed these things to someone else in less time than he did with me dating.  Heck I waited years to hear that he wanted to marry me.  I don't know the wedding just triggered a lot.  Exchanging of rings . . . my husband took his off as soon as his adultery partner asked him.  I look at my rings now with sadness . . . what do they mean?  What if anything does that symbol mean to my husband.

We had fun at both weddings and the first wedding we went to almost a year ago, the couple still seems happy . . . but heck they don't have a lot of history with each other and you know their track record.  When the road gets tough, they have left before, multiple times.  Why will our situation be different?

So these are my issues that continue to haunt me.  I don't think it is necessarily bad or good.  I do think it is important to understand what a relationship means to both parties and that is a talk that H and I will need to have.  I believe we are on the same page and we have talked about this previously, we will need to revisit it.

What I have learned is that relationships should always be evolving, not revolving, not stagnant.  It is a two-way street, it is constant change, constant interaction.  It is doing, talking, being, it is not just about reading how to fix things, seeing therapist and thinking they will fix it, it is all about me and my husband interacting and communicating.  So . . . guess it is time to stop this excerpt of my blog and go do and go talk to my H about some reservations that I still have.  The only way for him to know what I am feeling is for me to talk to him openly and honestly and to hear what he has to say.  What he says may or may not line up with what I feel or think . . . but that's life, that's marriage, human nature . . . it just is.  So, like my favorite sneaker company would say . . . Just Do It!

Recovery...Phase 2

It is no secret that I had a mid-life crisis fueled by depression, which was caused by my own feelings of inadequacy and feeling non-important. It is also no secret that I am the sole cause of my issues. I did not have the coping tools I needed in order to recognize something missing in myself, that needed to be addressed and worked through. I never felt good enough, and my self-taught coping mechanism was to be very outgoing, ignore conflict and to avoid confrontation. This way, everyone would like me.

Not being able to cope with conflict and avoid confrontation allowed me to put up a wall around my feelings that no one knew about. I pretended to be happy and content and before I knew it, the years passed by and I was numb to Sassy's depression, all the while enabling it.

In January 2011, I was ripe for the affair and I chose to allow it. I allowed someone else to make me feel good without giving Sassy a chance. And Sassy was working towards healing from depression. I was too deep into mine to try to fix myself or to even recognize mine.

I read a newsletter today from John Folk-Williams. The Storied Mind Newsletter, Newsletter #29, "Depressed Partners Who Blame and Leave". In it, he reviews five types of depressive behavior from Angry and Abusive to Numb. I recognized myself in every single one of them last year and I still feel angry at times that I allowed myself to make the decision I did and live a double life for eight months.

I left Sassy, at first, it was emotionally and then very briefly it was physically. I am very lucky that she was able to recognize that something was not right with me and allowed me to recognize on my own, some time in August, that I was not fair to her and did not give her the chance she was asking for to make our marriage better and whole.

John mentioned in his article that it takes time to recognize and challenge the stories that we tell ourselves and Sassy gave me that time.

A year later, we are in a much better place than I can remember in years. We still continue to laugh together, are very active together and work on the issues in ourselves as they come up, with each other’s support. It is not perfect, but we are on a good path that we both are happier. I feel safe and appreciated with her and I am so very lucky.

I recognize now that was just my "Phase 1" in our recovery. I know there are multiple clinical phases that people have to go through in order to fully heal.

My "Phase 2" is everyone else in our family. And realizing that is causing some anxiety within me because I have been feeling good. Sassy has been a huge factor in my feeling good and now I have to re-live everyone else's pain. Pain that I caused. I want to "avoid conflict"! But I recognize that I have to embrace it for both me and all the other members of our family.

Son 24 exhibits the types of depression that John describes and then some. Sassy and I try to get him to open up and talk about what he needs to talk about, but it has been very difficult. He is angry with both of us and other people and he flees (as I did for years). He denies that he needs therapy, but takes medication.

Daughter 21 sees some improvement in the relationship with Sassy and I, but is still not trusting that it is real or lasting. She was away at school last year. She still enjoys activities with us and only flees when there is a conflict between Son 24 and us.

Daughter 19 was home during the healing year between Sassy and I and was able to see firsthand how our relationship changed. She even said I seemed "more normal" (if that is even a human ability). She still has her doubts and wants things from me that she cannot even describe yet.

My side of the family is pretty oblivious. My sister is the only one that asks how things are going between Sassy and I, but she too has no idea how severe it was. My parents think it is all fixed and they are dealing with their own skills in the art of denial.

Sassy's family is what I dread the most. They were her soft landing spot after I did what I did and they were included in almost everything that occurred. I want to go through this healing phase with my kids because they were in the house during the time I was berserk and I hate to see them hurting because of me. At one time, I told Sassy that I was leaving her; I was not leaving the kids...well that did not matter. They thought I was leaving them too and they were just as hurt.

For everyone else, I am obligated to heal those relationships too, because I love them number one and because it is Sassy's family and I want her to have a healthy relationship with them. I just don't want to be judged by someone that has no idea how I really felt and was only exposed to the "Happy Me"...and that perception was all my fault.

It is many people and I changed all of their lives by my actions. For some reason, phase 2 scares me more than phase 1 did.

If I want to keep filling my glass then I have to do the work. If I do the work, then I can say that I did everything that I could to make it better and then it is on them to decide to accept me or not. That was part of Sassy's philosophy with me last year. She wanted to say she could to keep the glass full and tried everything so she would know in her heart that she did not give up.

It's my turn now for all of us.

One-Year Post Recovery(ing)

As the summer draws to a close, we find ourselves one year post recovery(ing).  Are we 100% recovered, no but we are at a much better place between Mr. Sassy and me.  What I can tell you though is that I am sick of thinking about his adultery, his mid-life crisis, his loss of his job, his loss of identity, his, his, his.  Sounds selfish I know, but that's how I feel.  No it doesn't mean that I am mad at Mr. Sassy or do not want to walk this journey with him, that is not the case at all.  I guess I am just tired of thinking and I just want to be.  Oh I have moments when I don't think about MLC, affairs, OW, etc., but I need more of those movements and I know they will come in time.  Hey at least I get some moments of peace and solace. 

So where am I now . . . I am at peace for the most part.  I have a sense of calm, with a few wacky moments of emotion coming forth.  Had one of those nights a few nights ago.  I allow myself to feel and I was feeling like I failed my children (don't we all in some way or another), failed Mr. Sassy in some ways (I know I did, we all do), failed myself (that's a biggie) . . . and you know what . . . it is okay.  I am okay and I will be okay.  So I had a rough night, felt the feelings, expressed them and now released them. 

Part of the reason I had such a rough night is because our children (OK adult children) are still a mess emotionally.  They are angry . . . I think I was caught off guard as to how angry they still are, but I understand it now that they vented.  They are very very angry at their father (and at me too for other reasons) and how he abandoned them, our family and frankly life.  Now Mr. Sassy has been amazing at helping me heal, but he has not done such a great job with our children.  In all of this mess the other night, he told me that he didn't abandon them, he abandoned me.  Whoa, that took me back to replay days and adultery days and I don't want to go back there but go there I must and did.  I was pretty upset to think that he was so cavalier with his response and frankly a little nasty about how he only abandoned me, like that was OK.  I was actually taken back to the previous summer and all his bullshit with his adultery partner.  It was actually as if I was hearing her speak out of his mouth again . . . her convincing him they are adults, they will be OK, they will survive the divorce I am forcing you to go after, mine, mine, mine, selfish, controlling, maniacal, Sassy is the reason you are so upset and hurting, she is a mean assed, fat assed bitch and you deserve me, me, me, we are soulmate schmoopie, we were meant to be, you are so marvelous, you are the best lover, I can give you what she never could, I will take care of you, I (oh wait) my daddy has all the money in the world we will be fine, let me pay for everything, let me be what she couldn't be, she is vile . . . . . and on and on and on.  Pissed is an understatement, I saw fire and he knew it. 

Not sure how he still can feel that he didn't abandon his children, his family, his life, his responsibilities, his extended family, etc. but this is where he is at.  Boy, I think I finally realized that Mr. Sassy has a whole lot more work to do on him and his relationships with our children and our extended family (more on that aspect down the line).  It is like the picture above.  He imploded our life together and then the ripple effect spread outward.  As each ring that was closest to the core impact (family) expanded so did the damage from his adultery and midlife crisis.  Frankly, it is pretty far reaching and impacted people Mr. Sassy doesn't even realize.

So what can I do . . . absolutely nothing.  They are his issues, not mine, his relationships, not mine.  Oh it hurts to see my children hurting and to frankly see Mr. Sassy hurting because of his adultery and MLC, but I am not his mommy, I am not his caregiver and I will not play the role that his adultery partner played and pacify his ego. 

So this played out a few days ago and I sit, wait and watch.  What do I see, nothing, I see avoiding, I see excuses, hmm wonder how long that will play out.  It is a shame that he does not put more effort in, but I don't think he knows how.  I think this is where a lot of his issues lie.  His parents did not know how to express emotions or love or guidance and Mr. Sassy still struggles here, especially with the children.  I think Mr. Sassy is waiting for them, but he will be waiting a long while.  Mr. Sassy needs to go to them.  He needs them to feel safe in asking him questions (he got very nasty and aggressive the other night).  He has to do with them what he has done with me and let them feel, let them feel that they can ask him anything.  He has to take 100% blame and cannot project or ask questions back to deflect.  He has to be an open book, raw, honest and yes, he has to accept and process their pain.  He has to pursue the relationship, they are guarded and they don't want to get hurt. 

So, the extended family . . . now that's another issue.  Mr. Sassy's family acts as if nothing happened last year, frankly I bet his parents don't even acknowledge his adultery, it has all been swept under the bulging carpet.  That's their issue and I will not own it. If he wants a real relationship with them, he will have to pursue it.  I love them, but their issues are there's, I no longer try to fix people.

So the extended family I speak of his mine.  My family was very protective of me last summer during the height of Mr. Sassy's replay and adultery.  They advised me to leave and divorce him (even in the bible divorce is okay when there has been adultery).  I made a choice for me without their influence (first time in my life (yea me!)) to stand by Mr. Sassy and help him heal and rebuild our marriage from the ground up.  I don't regret my decision one bit.  So with me going against the advice of my family, resentment is there.  Yes they are still angry at Mr. Sassy and they have a right to be.  They feel that his MLC is just an excuse for his adultery.  I get it.  Middle sister is the most angry and she did the most for me and our children last year.  She saw the volatility, she picked me up many many times.  She was there when Mr. Sassy moved out to his apartment that OW paid for, she was there to make sure I didn't drink and take xanax together.  She kept me safe when H was running away.  She saw a lot more than my parents and my other sisters.  She was my rock and I will be forever grateful for her and her husband's support (I have not been such a great sister in her times of need).  Most importantly, she took care of my kids and gave them a safe place.  So that brings us to now a year later in Mr. Sassy's and my recovery.  We have to open the bubble and let people in to heal with us.

Middle sister is very angry with H, to the point (it got back to me via my kids) that she can't stand to be in the same room as H.  We talked on the phone.  I cried.  I am not angry, just sad, this is hard the long lasting effects of Mr. Sassy's actions even though I know how horrible he feels others do not.  She was angry that this got back to me.  She does not know what she wants from Mr. Sassy, she feels that he has swept this all under the rug like he used to, he has not.  She only sees happy Mr. Sassy at family functions and personally it is okay he deserves to be happy.  She is wrong, but neither one of them will speak to each other so we are at an impasse.  She will not socialize with us and that is her choice, but I also don't want to intrude on her social experience if she is uncomfortable.  So Mr. Sassy and my middle sister need to talk again, Mr. Sassy must take the lead on this. 

So we are not a broken family, battered, not broken.  We are slowly putting the pieces of the puzzle back together.

My heart is battered and no longer broken. 


I see light at the end of the tunnel finally and I love Mr. Sassy more today than the day I married him. 

More work to do on us and the ripples that surround our issues.  Time heals all wounds they say . . . here's to hoping.


Hugs to all,

Sassy

Growth Through Healing and Open Mindedness

The cycling back that Sassy is experiencing this month has caused me to remember some things from last year at this time that I am not proud of and that have caused the guilt to re-surface. I don't think it's the dates that are triggering her any longer because I think we are past any dates from last August, or close to it, that were reminders for her.

The main triggers now are the stresses of having our oldest son home and watching him and his behavior in his stressful relationship with his ex-live-in girlfriend. There are a lot of similarities to my experience last year and Sassy asks me to provide him with feedback, but my answers often are hurtful towards her. Again, that makes me feel guilty.

I know that I have to go through this for her, and him, so they can heal, but it is a little rough on me. All part of my penance I guess and I am thankful that I have the opportunity.


I had a blood test a year ago (as well as some other tests) to check my cholesterol, testosterone levels and lipids. Everything came back in the normal ranges according to my doctor. After about six months, and complaining of fatigue, low sex drive, difficulty in concentrating, depression, trouble sleeping, Sassy suggested that I go for another blood test and specifically ask the doctor about my testosterone level. She had read some articles linking low testosterone to my symptoms.

The results again came back in the normal range. In the first test, my testosterone was 302. The second test, it was 362. I did a little of my own reading, and some recommendations from Sassy, and learned that I was normal for a sickly 95-year old man. Because I am in the normal range, there was no concern from my doctor. I brought my results to a urologist and he had some different recommendations.

I am currently undergoing treatment for low testosterone and within the first week, I felt positive results. I was more focused, felt more energy and less tired and I have better concentration.

Low testosterone is not about poor sexual performance, it is about men's health. Testosterone has been linked to healthy heart functionality, proper bone density as well as affecting the other symptoms I described. What is "normal" for one individual may not be "normal" for another and we should be prudent in discovering what provides a healthy balance for each of us as individuals.

Yes, my sex drive has been positively affected as well.


I have still not found a job and I am very worried by this. I spend my days looking for jobs to apply to, filling out applications, tailoring resumes, writing cover letters and still...nothing. I am very qualified, but the anonymous application process and not getting in the door is hurting me.

This isolation has been lonely at times and Sassy is trying her best to help me by coming home for lunch and keeping in touch with me throughout the day. Her sense of humor makes me smile and laugh. The kids are also home at some point throughout the day and I keep busy around the house. We also exercise a lot.

I know something good will come out of this and that keeps me upbeat as well.

One Year Into Reconciliation

Okay, so Mr. Sassy and I are officially one-year into reconciliation.  We have come a long way, it has been a long winding road and we aren't there yet. I know there will be many curves ahead.

Most recently, for me personally I have been struggling to process the affair or rather his adultery a lot during the last few weeks.  I was constantly having triggers and cycling far too much for my liking but I also understand that many dates and events were triggering me. 

For me the triggers and cycling are part of letting go . . part of letting go of control of something that I cannot undo and something I will not be able to control.  For so long I tried to control (albeit not aware I was doing this) everything and everyone around me.  As Dr. Phil would say, how did that work for ya?  Not well. I have learned a very hard lesson is that I can control only myself, my own feelings and how I react to anything.  I read a quote and have learned that my life is 10% of what happens to me and is 90% of how I react to it.  My attitude needed to change and my outlook on life needed to change and it has.  Funny though how things have a way of reminding you of how you used to be.  Just when I think I can react appropriately to a situation, whammo a trigger and I lash out . . . Hmm was that you God reminding me how easy it is to fall back into old habits.  I suppose the most important thing is I have developed an awareness of my changes and when I revert back to the old, depressed me. 

The adultery is the hardest part of dealing with Mr. Sassy's mid-life crisis.  This is where I have been stuck for the last eight weeks or so.  I honestly feel it has been necessary for me to process his adultery slowly and methodically until I am ready to close the door on it.  I am not sure if my processing in detail is because I am more of a methodical person and need to dot my "I's" and cross my "t's", but it seems as if I need to do this.  I have also been ruminating thoughts that maybe I am not ready to let this go just yet.  Is it possible?  Argh I hope not because frankly drama ain't my bag baby . . . well any more. I do think that it is a protective mechanism so I don't get too close to Mr. Sassy and get burned again.  I know this lack of trust on my part is normal and I know that it hurts Mr. Sassy a great deal.  What is that saying . . . "time heals all wounds" . . . guess more time is needed.  Oh that word "time"  . . . life is so short to waste on the past. 

Mr. Sassy is doing everything in his power to help me heal this wound.  He is attentive and affectionate. He has apologized, he is remorseful and his actions speak louder than words. We have a great time with each other just doing normal silly stuff, even just walking the dog. We laugh, we read, we play on our computers, we hike, we cook, we sleep, we cuddle, we do all the normal things most couples would do and frankly we just enjoy being.

When I think back a year ago and I think of the uneasiness and uncomfortable silence between us I can remember it, but not feel the pain any longer.  This past weekend when we went camping and there were moments of silence as we both were just taking in the scenery, I felt comfortable with the silence.  Wow how long had it been since I felt comfortable with silence?  A long time.  We weren't silent because we had nothing to talk about, we were just enjoying time together and the nature around us and you know something it was wonderful.   What was even more wonderful was the fact that we could feel 100% ourselves and comfortable with each other.

Repairing a marriage after adultery is difficult and compounding it with an on-going mid-life crisis, at times, makes it seem insurmountable.  I would be lying if I were to write that I never thought about where I would be today had I just let Mr. Sassy go on his merry way and continue my life as a single mom.  Would it have been easier?  Heck no, different I am sure, but I would not have my family intact.  Mr. Sassy is the love of my life.  He continues to go through something that many do not understand or frankly believe (I know otherwise).  He made poor choices that had he been thinking properly would have never happened.  I would not have left Mr. Sassy if he had cancer, I will not abandon him in his time of need during this emotional crisis he is suffering through.  I suspect that our healing will continue to take shape and progress as we both progress further through this crisis.  Slowly, but surely I see my Mr. Sassy, Mr. Positive, Mr. the glass is half full coming back in a new way.  My husband is emerging the cocoon that held him captive for the last few years, he is shedding slowly his mid-life crisis skin and his emotional issues and is emerging as the beautiful man that I have always known was there.

I cannot write on how Mr. Sassy is doing personally and emotionally, I can only write it from being the one closest to his crisis.  I know we will survive this, I just am unsure how long the healing process will continue to take.  Perhaps I need to start looking at less as healing and more as growth.   Growth in a relationship always needs to happen.  The relationship has to be fed and watered or it will wither.  I never again want to go through a limp, withering relationship with Mr. Sassy.  The grass around my home is greener and will continue to be fed and watered and over time will not only survive but thrive.  Again, change of attitude will impact my life in a positive way.  I am now going to have the attitude of looking forward not back.